Today is a day...

I have been thinking about this blog these past couple of weeks. I have been thinking about starting it off with a trigger warning and going into details about what today is… “The day of the Rape.” This day has brought a lot of… I do not even know how to explain what all it brings. For years it brought shame and embarrassment, sadness and anger, questioning and begging for answers. I want, for my healing process to share this experience with all of you, my noble tribe of followers. And, at the same time, I am conflicted to think the details of the event itself does not need to be shared to receive the response I want. To be honest, I do not even know what type of response I want from this blog. I wanted to share a part of my story, a part of me that has not been shared before.

I have been thinking though that for the sake of this audience, I would not share the details. I felt a bit unauthentic holding back what I wanted to share. However, after talking with my therapist, I have come to terms with authentically putting out a blog that captures the present moment and not the past traumatic event. So here goes…

Today I am safe. Today I have people who love and care about me all around me. Today I have people who know when something is wrong, asks the questions and provides the compassion and help through the difficult moment or situation. Today I have my own place that I have made safe: a place where I decide who comes and goes and who stays in my space. Today I have a dog, and although he is not an aggressive dog by any means, he does bark when someone’s at the door. Today I have awareness – of my body and my ability to be in my surroundings. I can sense and know when something feels off, wrong, or scary. I am in-tuned to my body to warn me of situations that might provoke danger. Today, I have resources to call, text, and go to if and when I need them. Today, I have safety.

I talked with my therapist yesterday about this safety. I told her that I can easily remind myself that the person who raped me cannot hurt me again, that my brother can’t sell me anymore, and that my mom can’t abuse me anymore, but I cannot say with certainty that I will never be violated or raped again.

We talked about this for some time yesterday. We concluded that, yes, I can be raped again. I am not exempted from more pain or abuse, AND, I have resources now to process and heal from whatever trauma comes my way in the present and future. Resources are pretty freaking cool things to have!

Jumping back into the past, I have viewed this day as “The Rape Day” for many years. And with that title comes a rush of all the memories I am not going into. Before yesterday’s talk with my therapist, I had a session and talked with my other therapist, Rachael.

Rachael and I did not talk about the details of the rape either. We talked about how the memories flood me though. We talked about how I am doing very well with my mental health right now and that I fear the trauma memories, this one and others that are coming up, are going to change my current mental health trajectory. We talked about changing the script. Of course referencing today as “the Rape Day” is going to bring up the hard memories and tough emotions. But, what if we changed the script. Changed the main event:

I conceived a baby on the night of my rape. While something terrible and evil was happening to me, a beautiful miracle was also happening. There’s a scripture verse, Psalms 139:13, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.” I heard this verse for the first time when I was meeting with the Chaplin at the treatment center I went to. It was meant for me to think about how God has been with me since before the beginning of my time on this earth, and it made me stop and think, God also knitted my baby together in my womb.

I’m still very much a baby Christian, as I have very little about religion figured out. With this being said, I do not think God puts me in traumatic situations to put me on trial or to make me stronger. I think he has plans for us, and self-will is a bitch, especially other’s evil actions of self will done to you. I do not believe God had me be raped for the miracle of a baby to be created. I do however believe God is always with me. He does not put me in the fire, but he hold my hand, and sometimes even carries me through the flames.

Today is no longer “the rape day” and it is now “the miracle day.” The day I know for certain God was with me because he left evidence knitted inside my womb. And to my sweet baby, Starlitt Nevaeh, even though you were never a part of my life, you are so much a part of my life! You, Starlitt Neveah are my miracle.

Happy Miracle Day everyone! You can find me by the lake: tossing leaves into the water and watching them float around, like leaves on a stream (If you get what I mean).

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